Finding love after losing a loved one

On average today we are living longer and continuing to enjoy fulfilling relationships, but what happens if you lose the person you thought would be your life long companion? Is it wrong to seek companionship in another person? How soon is too soon? It is hard to overcome the loss of a loved one, especially if you have cared for them through long-term illness and have shared a lot of fond memories over the years. However, the desire to be loved is natural and you may find yourself drawn to someone new after your partner has passed away. It may be easy to find someone who is interested in long walks, however if you are looking for someone to love and rekindle a satisfying full sexual relationship with it may be more difficult. Your feelings of happiness and caring may be met with extreme guilt making it difficult for you to move on and you may worry you are moving on too soon. If you are unable to overcome your difficulties alone it may help to talk to a medical professional such as a doctor or a therapist about your concerns. You will be surprised to find that old stereotypes about widowed men and women have changed and that you are no longer expected to spend the rest of your days mourning your lost loved one. You may even find that family and friends encourage you to move on, and are fully aware that being with someone new does not diminish your love for your late partner.

Worries about betraying your husband or wife will inevitably surface, but if you feel ready to be with someone else then there is no reason you should not give this new relationship a try. Who knows this may be the beginning of a wonderful and rewarding partnership.

There may be some differences the second time round. You might not feel as though you are being swept off your feet or going through an emotional rollercoaster, but instead you might feel more confident and sure of what you are experiencing. Familiar feelings will surface and you may even feel sexual desire. Start slowly and see where the relationship leads you, talk to your partner and find out whether they feel the same way as you do. Communicating with your partner is extremely important. Tell them your feelings, desires and worries, and encourage them to open up to you too. Good communication will bring you closer together and will make sex better. Romance is good for your health and quality of life, so it make sense to make time for your partner and personal relationship. Some experts believe that an active sex life is key to a longer and happier life and many over 50s say their sex life is better now than it was in their 30s and 40s.

Overcoming barriers to sexual dysfunction

A desire to enjoy a close personal relationship with your partner is natural during any stage of your life. However all too often work pressures, worries about paying the bills and having children can sometimes put strain on a couple’s sex life to the extent that it almost ceases to exist. Many couples try to resume their love life when they have more free time to spend together, for example after the children fly the nest or during retirement, but find that their sex drive or ability to have a sexual relationship is not the same as before. Where previously psychological problems such as stress or anxiety lead to little or no sexual desire, physical problems which lead to both female and male sexual dysfunction are now the cause of diminished libido. Whilst you may generally feel fit and healthy there may be aspects of your health which are limiting your normal sexual function. Common health problems such as high cholesterol, obesity, diabetes and cardiovascular disease can indirectly cause erectile dysfunction in men. For women sexual dysfunction can occur due to the same health issues which cause problems in men, but can also begin following the menopause, where an imbalance of hormones leads to loss of desire, loss of arousal, problems orgasming and even pain during sex.

Age related conditions which contribute to sexual dysfunction can be diagnosed and treated. It can be frustrating not knowing why your body does not behave in the same way it used to. Give yourself peace of mind by visiting your doctor. A regular health check which includes taking some medical and lifestyle history, as well as a full physical examination is recommended on a yearly basis especially once you hit 50. You should have a consultation with a doctor or nurse and they should check for signs of heart, or cardiovascular problems, by testing your blood pressure, blood glucose and cholesterol levels. If you are a man your testosterone levels should be monitored and prostate examined. If you are a woman you should always have a breast and gynaecological check. Your yearly health examination will give you the chance to discuss any health concerns you may have or ask for advice from a professional on how best to look after yourself, so take the opportunity to speak to your doctor and perhaps ask them to help you put together a health plan which incorporates diet and exercise, so you are able to lower your risk of health problems in the future.

The bottom line is that age does not have to be a barrier to an active sex life. If you and your partner are healthy and in love, you can still enjoy intimacy and sexual fulfillment.

Asexuality – more than just a lack of sexual desire

Sex is everywhere. We use it to sell cars, clothes, perfumes, even food (remember the silky voiced lady in the M&S food adverts describing oozing chocolate puddings?). Whilst the advertising companies are ramming sex down our throats there are actually some people who are just not interested. Moreover these people may even by completely non-responsive to any kind of sexual allusion. Is not wanting or having difficulty in achieving a full sexual relationship normal?

Asexuality is a term used to describe people who have no sexual desire or a non-existent sex drive. It is an extreme that not everyone can get their head round and it is easy to assume these people are either suffering from mental issues or are in unhappy relationships. This may be true in some cases, and being lust less may be caused by childhood trauma or a deep dislike for a current partner, however, there are many people who live happy and fulfilling lives without sex and some who do so with a partner they love. Asexual people can of course love and care for other people and they are more than capable of being in a loving relationship, they simply are not that keen on swapping bodily fluids etc with others, which is understandable. There is of course the opposite scenario where people want sex numerous times a day everyday. They are still considered normal, just at a different end of the scale of sexual appetite. The rest of us lie happily somewhere in the middle. If a person is content being asexual and does not feel as though anything is missing in their life then surely they are normal and need not worry about what other folk think.

If on the other hand you are a person who feels no sexual desire, but feels something is missing then you may want to explore your options and find out what treatment is available for people with no sex drive. (more...)

Relationship and marriage breakdown: when enough is enough

The decision to stay or leave an unhappy marriage is not an easy one to make especially when there are people involved other than you and your partner. You are not alone. Many couples come to realise at some point in their relationship that things are not going as planned for some it is just a question of talking through problems, however for others it is the end of the road. How do you decide? Do not give up on your relationship without first trying to work through your problems. If you and your partner have been together for a long time, you have already invested a lot of time in one another. You must be able to remember the good times and how you worked as a team in the past. What has changed? Is it something you have ignored and is now an issue, or have you gone over your issues time and time again without moving forward? If you have not attempted to salvage your relationship then now can be the time to focus on how you can make improvements. You and your partner owe it to one another, your children (if you have any together) and your families to at least attempt to work things out before abandoning your relationship completely.

First things first: identify the cause of marital conflict. For example, if your partner suffers from addiction then seek help from support groups and official government resources. Drug, alcohol and gambling addictions provide a very unstable environment for children and their safety should be your top priority. Never leave your children in a potentially dangerous situation no matter how much your partner loves them; they are not able to look after themselves or your children in the way they deserve.

Do not forget that there are two people in this relationship and that you may have to evaluate your own behaviour rather than trying to fix your partner. By changing your own behaviour your partner will be forced to relate to you differently and your general interaction may change for the better. Make a consistent effort to be positive and encouraging towards your partner, for example alternate any negative criticism with a lot more constructive compliments. By complementing your partner’s qualities you will be more aware of the good things they contribute to your relationship and these will hopefully outweigh the bad. Make an effort to share your positive feelings with one another opening up channels of communication. Once you have started communicating in a constructive way then you can calmly discuss your issues and how to resolve them. (more...)

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